I have come to realize that times Im changing starting NOW.
From today on.. trust is non existant.

Im letting all of my past go.
No one is special anymore, with the exception of maybe three or four.

Im starting over.

New friends, new trust, new life.

I will not do this again.

So say goodbye to what you know.

Because I may look the same, and act the same..
I wont be.
Everything will be different.
and I cant wait!




also, possible new tattoo this summer..


hells yeah!

 Fuck off.























Anyone cares to ask. text me.



Im done.

Victorian times.
At this point, because first off, I love all the history and everything...
second, women had no choices to make, and that was simple.
There was no free thought, no drama, it was do what you are told or die.

Right now that doesnt seem so bad.



I'll have a real answer.

Random Truthbox comment boys make me feel better.

So, even though I dont know who you are other than your name is Mark... Thank you.
I needed that.



and if you read this.. leave me a comment.
I would love to talk to you.

= )

Yes.

More than one person.
More than one time.

Some people say that what doesnt Kill them, makes them stronger.

What about the people who want whatever it is to just kill them?

Im tired of fighting this battle that always leaves me bruised and broken.

It never gets any better and saying "Im sorry" is just like covering something with dirt and saying its not really there.

Forgiveness IS possible, but I will NEVER forget.

Any of it.

Remember that next time you walk all over me.

Not too long ago I was re-reading my old LJ and I realized I seem and or feel more unintelligent now then I was then.
Not just me, actually, the whole damn world.
Everything is so, screwed up.
Gas is so high, drama is ruining lives more than usual, and everyone is becoming so bitter.
I want everyone to just get along but then I would be a hypocrite.
I dont know who to trust anymore.
I dont know who Im friends with, who I dislike, who I like, its all a huge mess.
I dont even know if Im going to pass chemistry and Algebra II.
I have all of these things I want to say but dont know how to write them out.
I want to scream my lungs out, until I cant speak, breathe, or even stand anymore.
I want to disappear, but I want to be noticed for something.
I want to yell obscenities at everyone until they tear up, then say Im sorry to those who deserve it and walk all over the rest.
[This is turning into a rather selfish post, Im sorry.]
Just once, I would like to be happy with one other person.
Without drama, and pain, and the like.
Im sick of people complaining about Global Warming but do nothing about it.
Same with the war, hunger, poverty, AIDS, HIV, all of it.
We get ONE planet and we're doing an AWESOME job of KILLING it!
Why not recycle, use less energy, car pool, conserve food, eat less, DONATE, volunteer.
Instead of fighting, read a history book.
The middle east hates us due to a long ago broken promise on our and Great Britians part...
it has little to do with "They just dont like us".
Instead of talking behind your "friends" back, just come out and say it, then be DONE with it.
No one likes a two-faced friend.

Just.. everyone chill out.

Now that I have more than enough time to say what I feel I need to I shall.
I have gotten tired of everything so fast.
All these guys that like me for my "pretty face" or whatever that come and make me feel like they MIGHT care then just go after the first piece of ass they see kills me.
I liked Ronnie, but when I heard he was doing what Pecha did, I proceeded to do what I should have done then, I put up that wall I remember all too well and now its there.
I cant take being used again, I just cant.
but thats my life.
Rob told Brianna he cant be my friend because I wont date him, but I finally broke him and were frrends again, which will make partying so much eaiser.
True story.
but anyway..

Im tired of peoples bullshit, and blaming it on me,
or them having misconeptions of me.
THATS why I care what people that I dont even know think about me..
Im sorry Im naive and want to trust everyone.
I hate having to hate everyone or think that they are talking about me everytime I leave the room, its not an easy existance.

I have this issue with not knowing.
I like to know what everyone things, how they feel, whats going on.
I want to be there when they need someone.
I want them to know that Im here, even if Im the last person you want to talk to, Im here.
Always will be.

Im letting myself fall into the hole I was then, but Im trying to put myself past it and realize its not going to happen, Ill be fine, was last time.
At least were talking this time.

People talk a lot of shit about everyone, there are so many secrets and it makes life really difficult for everyone involved. Im tired of secrets.. really badly.
What happend to the honesty?
Trust?
Love?
haha I make myself laugh.

[This post is nothing like I wanted it to be, Now its just a bunch of selfish complaining.]

whatever, one day Ill have motivetion to not be selfish.

-someones at the door, the dogs are in a frenzy.

In other words, how is everyone here?
I want to know.
Lets start a conversation.

go, now, go!

My phones on and not dead.
Use it<3

Ugh; I hate this.



I have no time to post what I want but when I get home I'll explain properly.


Im drowning myself again.
I cant do this, but Im going to anyway.




someone, save me from this hell.

Got bruises on my heart and sometimes I get dark.





"This Could Be Love"

I've got a book of matches
I've got a can of kerosene
I've got some bad ideas involving you and me
I don't blame you for walking away
I touched myself had thoughts of flames
I shat the bed and laid there in it
Thinking of you wide awake for days
Wide awake for days

And I found you tongue-tied in my twisted little brain
You couldn't crack a smile
I didn't catch your name
I don't blame you for walking away
I'd do the same if I saw me
I swear it's not contagious
In four short steps we can erase this

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop off at Edgebrook Creek and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one

I'm like a broken record
I've got a needle scratching me
It injects the poison of alcohol I.V.
I don't blame you for walking away
I'd do the same if I saw me
I swear it's not contagious
I swear to God it's not contagious

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop at Lake Michigan and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one

This could be love - love for fire
This could be love - love for fire
This could be love - love for fire
This could be love for fire forevermore

Step one -- slit my throat
Step two -- play in my blood
Step three -- cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house
Step four -- stop at Berkeley Marina and rinse your crimson hands
You took me hostage and made your demands
I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers, one by one
One by one"



















What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

My head hurts.
I wish it would stop.
The guages wouldnt fit in my ears; it sucks.
I'll try again.
Nothing on tv.
Out of creativity; its all the same.
Tired of drama, but its funny to watch.
My cousins baby was born today... shes cute.
Olivia Taylor Bradley.
Pretty name.
Not feeling that quiz tomorrow, even though I have a copy in my bag, I need help.
Stress.
S.A.T's
Pain.
Lies.
Games.
College.
Criminal Minds.
The Future.
Life.

These are the things on my mind.

heres my cousin...♥

So, no news to anyone, Ben broke up with Kim, through a text message.. How far the good have fallen right?

Im doing okay.
I have who I need back in my life,
Im working on new things, and not holding grudges.
Alaina and I are friends, actual friends, no lies [that I know of] no backstabbing, friends. Im thrilled.
Im closer to Frankie, and Nica, and Tyler and Erica all of which is prety bitchin.
I still have little to no faith in humanity and or the male race but Im hoping someone will change that for me.
I thought about it today, and I realize how little it takes to change a person.
How simple it is to get under their skin.
A word.
A glance.
Change is inevitible, but we all hate it.
Maybe embracing it will make it less severe/dramatic/hard.
Ehh, enough for m 2 cents aye?

I notice just how many secrets there are.
She said that, he did this.
Secrets spread rumors.
and thats no bueno.
I miss the honesty. even if it hurts.
So lets play a new game here ladies and gentlemen... If you want to know something, wether its what I think, something I may have said, secret feelings.. whatever... you want to tell me, do it, you can mail me a letter, make it anonymus, ask me something confide in me.. and lets see where this gets us.

Random blurb- Im totally jamming out to the Backstreet Boys, because I love them, Im sad Nick Carter got fat.

Im feeling very, thoughtful, and want to get into an inteligent conversation with someone over something... or a debate, debates are fun.

I think Im going out with Tyler though since we have NO gas, so either donate or come get me, and we can chill this weekend.

<3
"Strap-ons are for Hippies"
[ask about it]

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

what an asshole right?

FCAT has finally proven useful!
I got these past two days off and I needed them.


Spent 9 hours at the pier, watching the guys fish and make gay notions and random things, got a wicked sunburn, looked fairly good, and spent time with Vronica which I needed.
Poor Frankie had a doctors appointment and jabbed with needles. = (
Errkuh was there, and I got to drive Frankies car to bring Nica home.
It was a really good day, minus some assholes.
Comfy clothes for the win! and cooling gel, definitely cooling gel.



Today I am nursing myself and taking grandma somewhere then Nicas for a while.
Shes trying to find me a cute boy, goodluck lol.


Im still wrecked over the whole Pecha thing, and for those of you who dont know he DID leave me for Ashton, but whatever, I'll be there when she fucks him over as usual so whatever.

I need to know who my TRUE friends are.
No more lies, rumors and fake anything.
You dont have to like me, if you dont please just tell me, I'll go away, I swear.

I have a few I know are there but what about the rest of you?

anyway..
Thanks for being there to listen to me rant and tell me Im going to be okay..
Without you guys Im not sure Id be in a sane frame of mind.


I love you<33




but lets change the tune;;;
How are you guys?
Whats going on, the 411.
Lets chatttt.


Call me, we should chill.
464-9342

= )

It was just as I feared.








































He went back to Ashton.












Im not supposed to be happy.


Ever.

I dont know whats wrong with me.
I cant get this Pecha thing out of my head
I hate being "that ex" that they talk about all the time.
I dont know why Kim and I cant be friends all of a sudden, she keeps changing tunes and I cant keep up with them so im upset.
I hate that shes dating ben and thinks that I wasnt there ever.
were supposed to be friends and shes being flat out rude to me and then making me feel sorry for it.
Im tired of being sorry.
Im tired of people expecting everything from me.
Im not capable of all of these things.
Im not going to date Rob, so get over it.
Im not going to pretend to be friends, we are or we arent.
I feel like everyone secretly dislikes me and no one wants me around.
I feel like college is out of my grasp and Im a fool for trying.
Like a pathetic fool for waiting for someone who doesnt want me.
and for letting random internet assholes get to me.
I feel like I dont know anything.
I cant control anything.
Its all slipping away out of control.
I wish I were smarter, more reserved, and on top of things.
I wish I didnt take everything personally, that I let it go.
But no, I hold it ALL in, I grasp onto everything.
I let it eat away at me.
and then lose every ounce of self-control I thought I had.
I feel like Im not supposed to exist.
Maybe Im not and thats whats going on.
maybe I belong in a moive, where my character gets what she deserves.
Maybe, this is Karma.
Slowly killing me.
Making my life hell, while plastering on a smile and saying "Im okay" through gritted teeth.
Maybe this is my mid-mid-life crisis.
I over think everything.
I should move to a random city, change my name, and start over.
No one would know me.

I would be as I feel,
totally alone.


I mean I have Nica and Frankie, who has been there for me more than I can express...
I would tell them where I went, mommy too.

Everyone else would be in the dark,
could worry for a bit.
Maybe I died, yeah, thats it.


Im too scared to die.
I wont do it, so take a deep breath.



Maine.
Maybe Seattle.
yeah.


I hate in movies how they all get over this pahse by drinking and then the next fram the guy they were whatever over confesses him mistakes and they either take them back or grow a spine and leave and are all "woo hoo"


it never works like that.

we already have spines, they just arent strong enough I guess.
[mine isnt anyway]


I imagine Ill get over this, but Im not sure why its so hard.
It was like 2 weeks.
Maybe its a foreshadow of what could have been.
Maybe Brianna is right, and he is like Tyler.


I dont think so.
Tyler was always an ass.
I just didnt like him.
no hes different.

and maybe Kim and I shouldnt be friends but will in a while and it will finally work.

we always do this.
Bad start though, accident I swear.

Now, now Im just writing to fill this huge void of a box that just keeps scrolling.
Lets end this here for now.

If you read the whole thing you get an internet cookie.


So, hows it feel to be me for 5 minutes?














[not pleasent huh?]

Oh fuck off.
Its LIVE JOURNAL.
Its also called a rant.
So take your head out of your ass and continue converting oxygen into CO2.
Its all you're really good for anyway.

I really like Pecha, as Im sure you all know.
I have no idea what runs through his mind when it comes to, well, anything.
I want him to really care about me back, but Im scared Im not going to get that.
I want what they pretend exists in movies.
I never wanted to hurt Bill, and I hope EVERYONE knows it.
NEVER my intention; I dont like Max and Im tired of getting shit for it.
I just want to be the one person in someones life that makes everything better, is the reason they breathe, and is all they can think about.
My friends are amazing and I love them, but I want to be this to someone MORE than a friend. and I want them to want to be that in return.
Im already thinking ahdead to graduation, what then?
but what about now?
and on top of all this, Frankies leaving A lunch, and Im failing BOTH math classes.
Im never going to get to college. Why try at this point.



Is there ANYTHING about me ANYONE WANTS?

Im selfish;
I want to be that one desire, need, addiction.





Im pathetic arent I?